best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
