I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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