I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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