That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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