remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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