I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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