Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
