ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
