I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
