My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
