I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
