you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
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