I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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