Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Someone shattered a urinal.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
