A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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