She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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