Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
