Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
