Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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