I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
