I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I had to cum in my sink.
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