Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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