If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
