I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Bring me that man meat
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
