if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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