I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
