I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
