I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Randomize
