Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
cat food counts as protein by the way
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
