i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
