So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
