its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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