Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
