wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
