i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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