This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
