i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
sarcasm needs its own font
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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