so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
