Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize