oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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