We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
