He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
