My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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