I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
