I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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