he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
