I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
