I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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