I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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