Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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