My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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