Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
