I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
