Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
