hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
